Mishimmy: Dear Utah Drivers, I hate you. You all suck. Love, Michelle

In honor of my good friend Michelle, I’m posting a list of requests for Utah drivers. These are in no particular order…

  1. If three or more people pass you in the right lane, you’re in the wrong lane. Merge right. Kthx. Corollary: if everyone is passing you on the right, you don’t deserve to drive.

  2. Please learn to use roundabouts. I don’t want to see you stopping to let another driver in. If you just keep moving, it’ll be a whole lot faster for everyone.

  3. When the light turns green… go! If everyone puts their foot on the gas at the same time, everyone makes it through the light. I can draw a picture if you want.

  4. On a similar note: the light at University and University in Provo almost always turns into a protected left immediately after it turns red. Please keep this in mind before putting your car into neutral and starting up a conversation with your bros in the back seat.

  5. Stop running over scooters and motorcycles. They’re here to stay, please start seeing them.

  6. If you’re going 30, and I’m going 50, and I merge into your lane in front of you, don’t slam on your brakes and start honking. You won’t hit me. You couldn’t hit me if you wanted to. Promise.

  7. If there’s an accident on the other side of the freeway, please pretend it’s not there. We both know you can’t maintain constant speed while ogling the carnage on the other side of the barrier. So just don’t look, and you’ll be less likely to cause a sympathy accident in this lane.