No such thing as a free ice cream sandwich

Today at work, I went downstairs to microwave my dinner. As I passed the vending machines, I noticed that, as is sometimes wont to happen, there was an ice cream cookie sandwich precariously balanced at the end of one row. Upon closer inspection, I realized that it would actually take quite a bit of force to dislodge it, and so concluded that today wouldn’t be a free-ice-cream-sandwich day for me.

So I splurged and actually bought one (it put me back an entire dollar), and continued preparing my dinner. About this time another hapless soul wandered past, and was also caught by the lure of free ice creamy goodness. He gave it a valiant effort, I have to give him that.

This poor fool spent nearly all of the seven minutes it took to cook my Claim Jumper® Chicken Alfredo Dinner banging on the vending machine, trying in vain to get something for nothing. As I sat and listened to this impromptu percussion performance, I was amazed that he would dedicate so much effort into something so insignificant. All but the most menial minimum wage jobs would offer him a better return on his time.

Especially if he applied himself with as much vigor as he attacked that poor, defenseless vending machine.

Despite his best efforts, he was unable to dislodge the precarious dessert. Nearly seven minutes invested in banging, wiggling, sliding, tipping, and otherwise molesting the vending machine yielded nothing.

You’d think the man would learn. Except for no.

He finally admitted defeat. I though he was finished. But this amazing specimen of human evolution simply moved to the next vending machine and renewed his efforts with vigor. Perhaps he was after a bag of chips. Maybe a Snickers.

But he simply couldn’t comprehend that his efforts were in vain.

I vote that guy off the island.