relationships

You choose your words so tentatively when you tell me you're dating someone new. But you don't even use the word "boyfriend".

"I'm… I'm kinda seeing someone."

You're too timid about it. Apologetic, even? As if I'd be upset. Or jealous. Or mad.

As if I had the right…

Remember how it was I who left you?

I'm excited for you, I promise. I want you to be happy. I want you to find someone who brings you happiness. I lost my chance, but that doesn't mean I'd begrudge you yours.

How can we fully enjoy today if we worry about all the tomorrows we missed out on?

Please. Don't apologize for spending less time with me. Don't apologize because our relationship has changed. I only expected that.

What kind of friend would I be if I came between you and the rest of your life?

This has been on my mind for quite a while. It's an aggregate response to several relationships of varying levels of involvement, and various degrees of regret. It's about every girl I'm no longer dating, and every girl I never got the nerve to ask out. It's about every friend who ultimately found someone better for them than me.

someone you will never see again. maybe it's an amazingly beautiful girl. maybe you had the best dance of the night at a venue in some city on the other side of the continent. and might never get a chance to visit again. maybe it was some guy you just connected with. someone who'd be your best friend forever, if only you had more time.

what do you say? what can convey those feelings?

how do you say goodbye?

'i could have loved you.'

too cliche, maybe.

'i hope we meet again... sometime.'

'you are amazing. you made my night tonight. thank you.'

like hand scrawled messages in a long forgotten yearbook. in the long run, do they mean anything at all? 'stay cool. have a great summer.'

i don't think you can say anything. only give them a hug. squeeze extra tight for a second, pretend that you might, somewhere, sometime, meet again. and then move on with life, thankful that you even had a chance to glimpse something so beautiful and pure as what might have been.

ever feel like you met someone a little too late?

i think i did.

she's getting married in a month or so. not that it really matters, i don't think we would have been friends like that.

i'm just sorry i didn't meet her before.

there's something about stringing up thousands of white icicle lights for someone else's wedding reception that reminds you that you haven't even held hands with a girl since before christmas. so despite this being the happiest day ever for one lucky couple, it just makes me melancholy.

why does it do this to me? why do i care? i shouldn't. i keep telling myself that...

and then some days i'd just like to cuddle with a cute gal. snuggle under a blanket. watch a movie. you know.

i suck at girls.

i don't even know why. i just do.

seems like every time i meet a girl that's super rad and single, she starts dating someone a week later...

of course she never knew i was diggin' on her. she's thinking 'that was a nice boy.'

but that's never enough.

a week later i'm thinking 'another opportunity lost.'

i suck at girls.